Here is my top 10 list. I know there are a few of them out there, but it seemed like all my new mommy friends went through the same hard times without getting any real heads up from all the different books and classes — each one of us had to re-invent the wheel. We were taught a sugar coated view of new motherhood. Well, here is your non-sugar coated version and you just might want to read this top 10 list BEFORE you have that baby….
1) Yes, babies DO make you stupid. A growing fetus will eat your brain. You’ve heard about the stretch marks and hemorrhoids. Now learn about the actual loss of the omega-3 fats that make your brain work. Dr.’s will tell you that the growing fetus does take the omega -3 fats from your brain. They will also say that your brain shrinks by 8% while you’re pregnant, but your brain will snap back into a new configuration after child birth. I’m still waiting…
2) Menopause is going to scare the shit out of you! I now have a new respect for hormones and how crazy they can make a person. You know how you get when you’re PMSing, well make that everyday for about 6 weeks. That’s the approximate minimum time it could take for the hormones in your body to re-adjust after child birth. Some of you will be offered progesterone as birth control if you’re breast feeding. I suggest you say NO. Use a condom and let your hormones have a chance to level back out. Drink lots of water, eat well and take the baby for walks. You won’t be sleeping, but the other three things should help you start feeling less like you want to rip everyone’s head off, or cry at the drop of a hat.
3) You will forget, because it’s TRAUMA!!! You haven’t really slept for the last 2 months of pregnancy. Now you’re in labor for at least 1-2 days, or surgery. Then it’s immediately into an every 2 hour cycle of feeding for the next 1-2 months. On top of that, you’re scared shitless, because the knowledge of how to take care of a screaming amoeba didn’t just osmosis into your brain. Your sleep deprived, hormonal and sore. Plus you have to keep a small newborn alive. Good luck getting that first poop off their bum. That stuff is like TAR! It’s all a fun stressful game of guess work from then on…
4) Your significant other will become a selfish asshole. Your baby is put into your arms and so is their life. Not all significant others will become a selfish asshole, but most of them will. You take the brunt of the responsibility upfront. And let’s face it, that shit is scary, so most significant others will let you. They won’t know you need help unless you say something. They’re still going to go to softball with the boys, or the gym. They’re going to hold the baby every once in awhile, but they’re going to think you’ve got it covered. You don’t. ASK for help BEFORE the baby is born. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of the trauma to start speaking up, because that’s when… (see below)
5) You will become a psychotic bitch. Like I’ve said before. You’re sleep deprived, hormonal, sore and completely stressed out. If you’re breast feeding, you’ll be stressed that first week trying to get your milk to come in. The baby doesn’t need to eat, right?! Basically, at this point in your life, you suck. You are probably the hardest person in the world to live with. Make sure your significant other reads this list, because they’re not experiencing new parenthood like you are. They have no idea what’s going on with your head or body. They just see that, all of a sudden, you’re yelling at them for going to the gym. You both can be re-assured that “this too shall pass.” It might take 2 years, but one day you’ll get sleep again, you’re hormones will be under control and that newborn stayed alive. With your significant others help and understanding, it will be a lot less than 2 years.
6) If you’re lucky, you will take 1-2 showers “A WEEK” for at least the first month. I wish I was exaggerating this one, but I’m not. After the baby is born, you’ll be in a 2 hour cycle of feeding, pumping, rocking, trying to eat something and getting some sleep. Notice I didn’t include a nice relaxing shower…
7) You will say “WFT?!” have I done until your baby is around 4-6 months old. So the amoeba just keeps getting bigger, but that’s about it. YES, you love it. But you’re not really enjoying it much yet. It cries, won’t sleep, has a hard time eating, spits up, poops, pees on you if you have a boy and is really all work with no fun. The fun is coming! By 6 months, that amoeba is the most wonderful baby in the whole wide world.
8) Don’t kill the delivery man! Even though you’re going to want to… Nap time will become the most precious time in the whole day. Anyone or anything, that threatens that time will become your enemy. Disconnect your door bell. Keep your dogs outside. Put a no solicitor sign up and pray the delivery man doesn’t come during that 1 precious hour.
9) The pediatrician is not your friend. Although, you will have a false sense of friendship, since you will be there so much. You’re always afraid of being labeled as the bad mother. Most pediatricians are used to new moms being there about every week, so relax on that one. Teething trips up a lot of new moms. No matter how much you want them to like you, or more accurately “approve” of you, they have to treat your child. You are PAYING them for that 15-30 min exam. Don’t relax when you really think there might be something wrong. Speak up and ask questions. Make sure you understand the answers. A good pediatrician will tell you that they’re just seeing the child in the room, but you’ve been with them the whole day. If you think something is up, a good pediatrician will listen.
10) SAHM, is an acronym for solitary confinement. You’ve got a day off and all you want to do is stay home and not go anywhere! By about 4 o’clock, you’re starting to get that heavy claustrophobic feeling (unless you’re into an amazing book), and you begin to think you should have made a different plan. Now multiply that day by out 6 months for maternity leave, or LONGER if you have the opportunity to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom. The kicker is, you’re the personal assistant to an emotional, hungry, demanding, messy, non-communicative boss — with no vacation or sick days. Oprah always said it was the hardest job out there, and we should have listened to Oprah…